I Could Care Less

While I think that I’ve been doing okay when it comes to not caring too much about other people’s perception of me, I believe to have spotted some weak spots recently.

I think there is still a distinction to be made when it comes to ‘caring’. I feel like there is a qualitative difference between caring about what exactly others think of me when in their presence and caring about an imagine I have of myself - hypothetically representing me towards others - but practically never witnessed by anyone.

I’m not sure what to make of that distinction, so I’ll just vaguely proceed to think of the notion of ‘caring’.

I like to run. I typically don’t shy away from running in most weather conditions occurring where I live. In winter months, I have tended to dress fairly lightly. I’ve vaguely been thinking that ‘I was just used to it, maybe still from my footballing days years back’.

Just yesterday, I was ready to go for a long run - it was snowing heavily. Anxious of catching a cold, I figured I should wear a watertight jacket as well as some proper gloves. A short while into the run, I quickly realized I actually just enjoyed being warmer.

How come I had gotten used to being cold for the first and last 10’ of a run? I might have simply never asked myself the question of whether it’d make sense to dress warmer. I doubt that, though. Rather, thinking about the and context and situation of running in the cold, I realized that I liked the image of myself being tough.

Having undergone many years of mediocrely fruitful but highly traditional guitar classes during my youth, I’m not great at playing non-classical (or classical, for that matter) songs at guitar. Still, I know my way around it. I often feel dissatisfaction playing it. I get wound up easily by technical mistakes or imprecisions.

Recently stumbling upon an electric piano, I’ve been in awe of the sound of simple chords. Playing a triad or a simple chord progression truly amazed me.

Why is that? Do I just like the sound of pianos better than the sound of guitars?Have I gotten too used to guitars and no longer appreciate them for what they are?

Could be. Rather, I’d guess that I felt freed from the urge and pressure of upholding an image. Since I’d been taking guitar lessons for so long - wouldn’t I need to be able to shine with flawless technique, express complex ideas and master pieces requiring plenty of skill and expertise? This demand cannot be borne for the piano. The piano I can just enjoy.